Jokes

[RSKY]

heard a funny joke, so i thought i'd start a Jokes topic:

guy asks his misses,
"can you give me a blow job"?

misses replies,
"na, i'm too tired, just blow in a cup and i'll drink it in the morning"

[bosc0]

nice one, obviously someone is trying to get their post count up :shock:

/me waits for the complaints (or complements to Joe :P )

[Leigh[RS STI]]

Yeh heard this one today,

Whats NASA now stand for??







Need
Another
Seven
Astronauts.

Harsh but funny all the same.

Leigh

[Les]

Thats f#@$ Leigh...but bad funny. :lol:

[DRMAT]

Maybe before yours guys time but that NASA joke did the rounds 15 years ago (or whatever) when Challenger blew up :D

Mat :shock:

[jif]

There going to change their name to NAFA.

Need Another Fourteen Astronauts.

[RSKY]

NASA jokes?????? :shock: funny, but harsh..... very harsh!!!

[NVMYRS]

> A man rushes home, bursting through the front door of his house yelling
> to
> > his wife
> > "Pack your bags Honey, I just won the lottery!
> > All $25 million of it...WooooHooo!!" "That's great, sweetie!",
> > she replies, "Do I pack for the Beach or for the Country?"
> > "I Don't really care" he said,......"Just Fuck Off!!"

[NVMYRS]

Cinderella was all upset she couldn't go to the ball. But then, her fairy
godmother appeared and said "You can go to the ball on two conditions."

"Great! I'll do anything!" said Cinderella.

"Ok" said the fairy godmother "The first condition is...you have to wear a
diaphragm"

"No problem" said Cinderella.

"The second condition," continued the fairy godmother, "if you're not home by midnight, you diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin"

"Yikes" said Cinderella, "I'll be home by midnight". So midnight comes and
goes, and finally it's 3 am.

Cinderella is just getting home, looking extremely satisfied. "Where have you been?! Your diaphragm should've turned into a pumpkin hours ago!" said her fairy godmother.

"I met a man", said Cinderella. "His name was Peter Peter something or
other..."

[NVMYRS]

Top Ten Times in history when saying F**K was appropriate:


>
>10. "What the f**k was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima
>
>9. "Where did all these f**king Indians come from?" - Custer
>
>8. "Any f**king idiot could understand that! " - Einstein
>
>7. "It does SO f**king look like her!" - Picasso
>
>6. "How the f**k did you work that out?" - Pythagoras
>
>5. "You want WHAT on the f**king ceiling?" - Michelangelo
>
>4. "I don't suppose it's gonna f**king rain ?" - Joan of Arc
>
>3. "Scattered f**king showers... my ass!" - Noah
>
>2. "I need this parade like I need a f**king hole in my head!" -J.F.K.
>
>And the number one most appropriate use of the "f" word....
>
>1. "Who the f**k is going to know?" - Bill Clinton
>

[Deaks]

Just some CHINESE PROVERBS:

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Deaks

[Les]

Very funny guys... :lol: :lol: :lol:

[RSSTi]

F**k that's funny :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[PD RS-RA]

"War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left."

Too right!

[PD RS-RA]

As part of a propaganda tour throughout the US, president George W. Bush visited a local primary school to explain to the children his vision and politics for America.

Following his address to the children he asked if any of them had any questions. Bob put his hand up and asked:

"Mr President, I have three questions.
1. How come you won the election, even though you lost the election count?
2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without any firm reason?
3. Don't you think that the bombing of Hiroshima was the single largest terrorist hit of all time?"

At that moment, the recess bell rang and all the children ran out of the class to have their lunch. After everyone returned from the break, the president again asked

"Has anyone got any questions"

Joey stood up and said:

"Mr President, I have five questions.
1. How come you won the election, even though you lost the election count?
2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without any firm reason?
3. Don't you think that the bombing of Hiroshima was the single largest terrorist hit of all time?"
4. Why is it that the bell for lunch went 20 minutes early today?
5. And... where is Bob??"

[PD RS-RA]

And another:

An engineer, of the BMW Corporation died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told him,

"Since you've been such a good man and your motor vehicles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven". The Engineer thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took him to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. He then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said the engineer, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention.

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust. And finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God," hold on."
God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God
read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to the engineer, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

[PD RS-RA]

One more: I've always loved this one:

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

[rs_wagon]

......Have you guys been waiting for me on this one.....HUH?

Only joking - so to speak.

A quick one then -

Venus Williams turns to her sister and says
"Serena, I think dad has been slipping steroids into our protein shakes in the mornings".
"what makes you say that Venus?"
"Well... I have been growing hair in places that never have before.."
"Like where?" replies Serena.
"Right down her on my TESTICLES!!"

[markmcrs]

Two men are driving through New Sout h Wales when they get pulled over by a HWP Officer. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his baton. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?"

The cop answers, "You're in NSW son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."

The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."

The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on the window.

The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the Baton.

The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says, "Just making your wish come true."

The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your mate, "I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!"